The Gull In Me Insights

THE GULL IN ME~INSIGHTS

I believe I am related somehow to that Seagull,you know Jonathan Seagull. I just reread his story again. First off I have always felt different.Having been raised since the age of 12 as a Jehovah's Witness it changed the course of my life in many ways. Religion has never been a past time of mine. I do believe in a higher power and I believe that universal powers of love and compassion will be what saves us~not religion per se'. When I was in the eighth grade (Jr.High School) I had my first feelings of ridicule and rejection by my peers. Our class each morning scheduled a student to have a prepared quote and our interpretation of it.
I remember my quote was "Two Heads are better then One"fairly self explanatory. The part that came next was to lead the class in prayer and a salute to our National Flag. In hindsight I should have taken the responsibility of informing my teacher that I did not participate in these activities in lieu of my religious beliefs,or rather my mama's beliefs. How embarrassing it was for me to stand there,and do nothing while the students waited.
I could hear snickers and hushed laughter .The teacher walked to my side and asked if there was a problem. I said I cannot do this as it is against my religious beliefs.I was excused.
Then as I grew older I was looked upon as someone that couldn't do most of the activities that school age kids do. There were no school dances for me or anything that would bring me into association with the in-crowd,the good kids,the popular ones.I again felt as a outcast,different from the rest.
By the time I entered High School I had become fairly popular on my own. If I couldn't go to the dances,I would just run with a different crowd. The wild crowd. I began experimenting with the opposite sex and found that I could get my way fairly easily. I needed to hear them say just three words"I love You" and I was on to my next conquest.
During this time I was expelled,disassociated from the religion. No one in the organization could or would have anything to do with me and this was great. The only one major problem was this included my beloved sisters.My brother was too young to realize the impact being disfellowshipped had on a person. In this regard I barely know him. Since our dad died he has stayed in contact with his sisters.
I married as soon as I graduated,had a daughter,went back to the so called "TRUTH",and was eventually disfellowshipped again.First time fornication,second adultery. I traveled to Europe with my husband and small child. My family at the time knew little about my where abouts and I survived without them in my life. I missed them,but I survived.
I became involved with anything to take my mind off my life, my non-existent caring family??
Drugs and alcohol became my religion.I was very faithful to these vices.
After divorcing my husband and being at the time a bad influence on my beloved daughter;I left her with her dad in 1980 and moved cross country.
I saw my parents one time in 1981,they visited me when my daughter had came out for the summer. I did not see and rarely heard from them for the next 12 years. They had excused,rejected and expelled me once again from there lives.My mama asked me many years later in 93 when they had received permission to associate with disfellowshipped family members why I had been so bad.I almost laughed at her.How can one feel loved or even lovable when there own parents disown them? She told me there was not a sunrise or sunset that she didn't wonder how I was and if I were safe,alive even.
I was cut off, cut out of there life like a bad moldy piece of cheese.
I sought love elsewhere,and in many wrong avenues.
I am not blaming my parents.My father is passed and as of this writing my mama has shunned all three of her daughters once again as of August 31st 2002.It has been a long year~one of growth and reflection.
I have grown in love and compassion and I do my utmost to overlook other's flaws.I try to respect there beliefs whatever they may be and how ever distant it takes us apart.
I treasure the years when they were back in my life.We were a family once again like old times.
My sisters and I have become reacquainted and find that we really are very lovable people and that no one can take that from us.
Unconditional love has taken on a whole new meaning to me.
Like Jonathan we sometimes have to step away from some one else's so called normal world and do our own thing.
Dance to our own music.
Everyone's heart doesn't always beat to the same melody.
And that's just fine with me.
Written by "zimba" Cynthia Martz© 2003
8/25/03)