| Mama On Our Mind |
| My mama is having triple bypass open heart surgery this Friday the 30th of April.She is also having a valve replaced.She will be 80 years young on July 31st.My mind has been going through all the scenario's.
This has been very troublesome for myself and my two sisters.My younger brother still has all her love.He has never known what it truly feels like to lose a mother's love,so in that respect if she should not recover from the surgery,he will feel a unretrivable lost that we have already experienced. In a web based article I wrote a while back called "The Gull in Me (Insights) I wrote about our situation.We were raised practically or rather impractical as baptized members of Jehovah Witnesses. As a good friend of mine said recently"WITLESS" It is very hard for others too understand. Through the years each of us girls made the decision too not be a part of the organization.My younger sister and I were disfellowshipped.My older sister excommunicated herself. It is hard writing about a mother who gave birth too us and yet has by all intent disowned and shut us out of her daily life.She speaks to us only on her health matters.In a sense she is already gone from us.We have no closeness or any communication.She requests that we don't call or visit her. Yet she always reminds each of us how very much she will always love her children. She is and has been waiting for Armageddon and the new system of things.Over half of her life has been dedicated to her God-Jehovah.I do not fault her for this as I respect other's beliefs and feelings.I also at the same time practice unconditional love and even tho they preach this it is apparent it has it's limits within the organization. We have been in her graces and out many times.The first time lasted twelve years.We reunited because the organization brought new light and allowed it.Then a few years ago,a new light once again and she called to tell us she would not be calling anymore or seeing us. I did not react very well too this news.I knew it would eventually come down too this but I told her if they told her too jump off a bridge she probably would. I was not very kind. My own daughter and grandchildren have also lost the love and closeness of there Grandmother and Great Grandma.They do not understand how she has turned her back on us.Even more so since my dad died in January 2001. Can you imagine not seeing your parents for twelve years because of religious differences? My younger brother married and had children I never knew until the mid 80's.We are closer now.He lives on the West coast so I don't see him very often. Not everyone in the organization feel as she does on this matter.They show there children compassion and love even though they don't believe as there parents do. Our family has been torn and tossed in so many directions.We have floundered on the high seas of despair at times,but I am happy this day to say we have all found our lighthouse so too speak. I believe in a Universal Power that I know watches over me.I strive to be a loving and compassionate person to my loved ones and acquaintances. I know I am ONE with the universe and that I have a Goddess heart that allows me to be free of all selfishness and hurts. There are some things that probably never will change.I know my mama feels that her "TRUTH" is the only way~and the rest of us will lose. I for one have never been good at losing. I hope with this surgery she will be given many more years.Maybe,just maybe someday she will truly see the light and the organization for what it is.It is all she knows,and she doesn't see the basic brainwashing that has taken place. I remain positive as negative thoughts bring more negativity. My heart is full~ To Be Con't~ Cynthia Rivera 4/28/04 |
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| Thoughts....From Mama's first born daughter Karen
Here we are,.scattered about these states like seedlings..each in a different spot..with our families, our loved ones. There, she is.very tired after a very full day, but she took the time to phone me at eight. She had said she would call me again--and she did. "Yes", she says "it's the hospital on Tamiami". She never could locate the exact address or any paperwork. It sounds like some make-believe place in a fairy tale. A place where hearts are healed and dreams come true. The doctor gives her a 90% survival ratio, and that is good. A woman her age, with her specific heart condition could fair worse. Seven days in the hospital and seven days in re-hab, and then to Virginia's for care and time to heal. This would be the up-side. The downside is like a fuzzy veil, things unfolding and yet unseen, and so we tend to fear what we cannot comprehend in this form. We dare not think too far in either direction. And this is how our day ends, each of us connected by that bond that never breaks. A mother's connection to her child. It never breaks because our threads all flow to and from the source of all things. There is comfort knowing the universe cradles us in our uncertainties. Goodnight. (((((hugs))))) to all of you. Should it become dark and lonesome for us, we must remember that the light is always there, always shining somewhere. We may not always be able to see it, but it is there all the same to sustain us. The sun will come up tomorrow. Open up your hearts and let it in. It is life. Love, Karen 4 29 04 |
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| I have been waiting for the call after surgery.To my amazement the person on the the other end was Mama.She said she was in the operating room all ready for surgery.The anesthesiologist questioned mama about her prior surgeries.In light of her blood levels going as far down as 2 ,he said it was not wise at all to perform this surgery.He said she would bleed to death in lieu of her refusal to take BLOOD.I for one have to wonder WHY her surgeon did not research her records.Now they are going to test her blood for clotting factors and why she seems to have these problems.You would think before such a serious operation that this would have already been addressed. Now again we wait.We have been waiting since December. I feel dad was there with her and just like he got off the operating table at the last minute,he made sure she did also. |
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| This is a picture that I uploaded to Webshots.Polly took it.It reminds me of mama.She will be as a cocoon tomorrow,waiting to spread her wings in healthy flight.
Yes,tomorrow the sunshine will remind us that indeed it is a beautiful world and yet sometimes it rains. I hope tomorrow is wonderfully clear and there are no signs of a cloudy sky. |
| Words from Baby sister Paulette Goddess grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. ~~~ I do have the wisdom to understand that I cannot change another's actions, that I can only control my reaction. But, Goddess I know that Divine Order plays out in many ways I do not understand. However, I must say that not being able to be with the mother of my birth is most painful. She is having heart surgery tomorrow and not once asked if I could be there. It is her choice, not mine. Please help me to understand why ~~ WHY?! ~~ A hard way to teach me what conditional love is. Kicked to the curb for not believing the religion of her choice. Please guide me to a place of wisdom granting me comfort in a situation totally beyond my control. Hold me and my siblings in your beloved arms and hold my beautiful Mama in those arms too. Please grant all of us peace....... *hugs and love to my sisters and brother*...... Sunpar |
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| April 30th 2004 Mouse Over |
| I created this page in 2004-2011 Cynthia Martz |
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